I hate the word, but even I admit I'm not "fierce"

Ok, confession time. I don't know how to dress myself. I mean, I know how to GET dressed, but for the life of me, I don't know how to put together a proper outfit that is 1) in style, 2) fits me well and 3) is weather appropriate.

1) As mentioned earlier, I read fashion mags like they were going out of style. Which, by the time they arrived in my mailboxes, they sort of already had? But I always read them for make-up and boyfriend tips only, and I'd skip over the clothes pages immediately (like the way I skip over the book section in Entertainment Weekly.) Because if my eyes did wander to those pages, I would see "Steal this look! Shoes by whoever, $1300" and my mind would explode. As an avid Old Navy/Wal-mart shopper, I couldn't fathom this at all.

The other problem is that when I'd go shopping with my mom, and I'd want to buy some red shoes or whatever, she'd say, "What will that go with?" And I'd realize, nothing, so I'd switch them for some lovely black shoes. See, it somehow never occured to me to buy NEW styles and colors of things, I'd only coordinate with my existing clothes, so for my entire life I ended up with blacks, blues, and whites--sensible things that would blend seamlessly with my other blacks, blues and whites.

Also weird? I don't really own jewelry, because as a girl my mom somehow convinced me that jewelry was something Boys Buy Girls. Though she's super feminist, she never told me I could buy my own jewelry. Our conversations went something like this--"Mom, can I have this locket?" "Lockets are things boys buy for their girlfriends. When you have a boyfriend, you can have one." She didn't mean it in a threatening way, but I took it that way, fearing that I'd grow up to be an old maid with no lockets whatsoever.

2) As far as clothes fitting me well, I at least have a lot of sense not to buy things that don't make me look fat, which includes bubble dresses, baggy pants, and tight pants around the thighs. I've actually subconsciously been buying clothes to hide by butt and thighs, because, I have what someone once told me is a "ghetto booty." Apparently, that's compliment. Apparently, people like ghetto booties. Those people do not include me. As a young girl, I was horrified by my own ass, and was convinced that when turned to the side, I look like a centaur. Yes, this is what I thought about at the age of ten, so it's probably no wonder I had no one buying me any lockets.

3) Weather appropriate clothing is just something I'm realizing I don't plan for. I don't understand what fits in what seasons. I have two categories of clothes-- Sweaters and Not Sweaters. Which works fine considering I'm only either Hot or Cold, and I carry around my giant sweatery jacket every day anyway, regardless of weather. One day, I'll understand the meaning of "IT'S SPRING!" time to break out the...sling backs? I confess, I don't even know what that is.

Now, before you go on saying, "Oh, I don't know what you're talking about, you dress cute!" You can save it. I know it's not true. I figured this out when people started giving me clothes for my birthdays. Not gift certificates FOR clothes, because I can't be trusted. I know I have a problem. And one day I'll hire a Tim Gunn-like guru to go through my underwear and shake his head sadly. Or, if any of you, kind readers, would like to take pity on me and help me buy clothes, that's totally fine. Shameless begging! In return, I'll teach you the special skills I possess--how to memorize Full House episodes and how to order a cheaper omelet at IHOP.