And one and two and three and shoot me in the head

Gyms are the worst. I've never felt comfortable in them because I am clueless when it comes to gym equipment, especially weight machines. I'm like the old lady examining food at the grocery store--"what's this??? Pudding...in a cup?" It takes me no less than ten minutes to read the little diagram and try to contort my body in the same position the stupid cartoon man is in. It's like putting together a desk from Ikea, I swear. Then I always have to adjust the seat 100 times because I'm always too short, and I just guess what a good amount of weight would be. I always, always overestimate my strength, and can't move whatever it is I'm supposed to be lifting, so I have to move it down to a more manageable, pathetic weight. Then it's the question of how many reps I do. I usually think lifting it ten times is pretty decent, then I take a very long break while I regroup. I pretend to stretch and work out my shoulder or whatever, but really I'm wasting time because I don't want to lift weights anymore. I feel nervous that everyone is waiting for my machine, secretly rolling their eyes at my loserness, and so I eventually give up and give it to a better qualified steroid man.

I hate the idea of joining a gym. It's super expensive, and I probably will never go, and the gym people always put me off. When I was in high school, my friends and I were going to go shopping, and I had to meet them at 24 Hour Fitness where they were finishing up a workout (which totally weirded me out by the way. People...work out? For...fun? Not in PE class? Ok, weirdos). Standing the lobby, I was swarmed by a gym guy, trying to get me to join. I love how they always open up with--"Which gym do you belong to? Where do you work out now?" I guess I'd be offended if I DID work out and they asked IF I work out, like, ohhh well you look like a fat ass, so you must not work out. So maybe it's a compliment, but I don't take it that way. I'm just embarrassed to say "no where" so I usually make up some story about how I'm in between gyms right now, or do yoga at home, or something convincing. Anyway, it was literally like two months before I was going to move away to college, so I told him I'll just work out then. He said, very seriously, "If you don't start working out now, you probably never will." It was hilarious, but also scary, and also, kind of true. I blame that exact moment in my life for my lack of physical fitness.

So the other day I used my friend's guest pass at Crunch to work out with her. I have no intention of actually joining this gym, but I wanted to work out that night. So I filled out the stupid form and listened to the specials, blah blah blah, "here's a list of our awesome classes, I don't give this list to just anyone, because we're going green at Crunch" ....which, what makes you think I want to be the one to topple the environmentally-friendly atmosphere? Then they TOOK MY LICENSE away until I finished working out so I could talk to the membership lady. Throughout the whole workout, I was planning my turn-down tactics. I FINALLY came up with the best explanation EVER--"I really need to talk to my husband first. He makes all the financial decisions." It's a bold-face lie, but how do you argue with that? "Well, divorce the oppressive asshole and join the gym on the spot"? IT'S FLAWLESS! I'm shocked I never thought of it before. Women from the 50s really had it right.

So the moment comes, and the membership lady is nowhere to be found. So the desk guy just gives me back my license, not realizing I was supposed to get this long gym pitch, and I escape, hassle free!!! It's a shame, though, as I was excited to try out my new tactic. Anyway, so the next day I get a call and an email from her, asking if I got back my license and telling me all about these specials. I started thinking how amazing the world would be if everyone did their jobs with such tenacity as gym people. Imagine if your cable guy called you up--"Hey, I see you called our techs because your cable was having issues. Is everything ok? You don't want to change cable providers, do you? Actually, can I give you a lower rate? HBO for free?" What if your mechanic was like, "hey, if you get your repairs done with me, I'll give you free repairs next month. And you don't have to pay anything until June. I will call you every day about this until you say yes." I hate gyms, but I'd be ok if the Crunch membership lady was also my car insurance agent. It would make everything in my life better right now, as I got into a pretty annoying fender bender, and I'd like her to call me a lot just to see how I'm doing.