It sucks but not literally

So, after being in the Real World for several years now, I have to lay a secret on you that probably no one else will tell you. Apparently, vacuum cleaners just don't work. Seriously. I was pretty shocked when I figured this out, too, but it's just one product that Society hasn't truly gotten a handle on.

You might think to yourself, "well, my mom has a vacuum, and that seems to work fine." I'll tell you why it works fine. Because it was made 30 years ago, probably out of lead (you can hide in it in the event of a nuclear blast--SHOUT OUT TO ANYONE WHO SAW INDIANA JONES 4!!!), and it is giant and clunky and the dog loses his mind when you turn it on, and you have to unplug it and replug it in ten times to do one room, and the lights sort of flicker every time you turn it on. It's industrial and smelly and probably causes nose cancer and your mom doesn't explain that only vacuums from the olden-times work. I think that's probably true of most products, actually. My parents had a VCR and microwave for about 30 years. Now, I go through computers and DVD players like candy. Either I am wildly reckless with my electronics, or they just don't make em like they used to.

So apparently, any new vacuum now loses suction immediately. I didn't know "losing suction" was some big deal until I saw those fabulous Dyson commercials with the snooty British guy in a turtleneck explaining how vacuums just "have to work!" and the one you have at home is a horrible piece of shit. Usually I'm not overly persuaded by ads, but this one changed my life. I simply HAD to buy one. I think it's because the guy is sort of rude and British, and I think it's a very American Oedipal thing to want to be abused by our British parents, in a colonialist sort of way. Think about it--what's more American than bad competitive reality TV? And what do all those shows have? A snooty British judge telling you that you're a moron, untalented, and getting run over by a train car will be a better use of your time than whatever talent you're currently trying to pursue. And we ask for more. There's Simon on American Idol, the British guy on So You Think You Can Dance, the British guy on American Inventor, the British lady on The Weakest Link, British Gordon Ramsey yelling at chefs on Hell's Kitchen and probably like one hundred other examples.

So anyway, even though the Dyson man (who should have his own show, by the way, about him just yelling at you for having filthy floors...which actually IS a British show, now that I think about it, on the BBC...) told me I needed to buy his product, it's like, $700, and I'd really rather have an HDTV, so I bought a well-reviewed other vacuum. First time I used it, it was amazing. The amount of gunk it picked up was fabulous. (And gross.) Then, it sort of stopped working. It doesn't pick up as much stuff, and I know I'm equally messy...so it really doesn't have great suction.

So now I had good reason to buy the Dyson. What if one day I got asthma and needed it? Sure, I guess I could by it THEN, but why waste my time with another crappy vacuum in the meantime? I deserve a good vacuum, regardless of my lack of lung issues!! So I looked up the specs on the Dyson, and apparently...customers say it doesn't work so great either?? Like, it can ALSO randomly lose suction? WHAAAT? Sorry, British guy, but I can't spend a billion dollars on something that MIGHT NOT WORK just because you have a snazzy turtleneck sweater.

So it's either live with messy floors and a great TV or somewhat cleaner floors and my old crappy TV. I think you know what choice I will make.