My screensaver is all the nature I need, thank you

It may surprise you to learn that I've recently taken up hiking. I know, I know, how does hiking afford me enough time to play scrabulous on my computer, you might wonder? Well, it's a risk I have to take, because I discovered that not only do I never get fresh air, but I am in horrible, horrible shape. Like, a flight of stairs is viewed as some sort of arduous task in my mind. But I decided to start hiking because 1) I don't know how to use gym equipment, and 2) the thought of running (ok, let's be honest, walking) on a treadmill sort of makes me feel like a hamster in a wheel (and not in a good way--because don't you think just hanging out in a pile of wood chips would be sort of awesome? Like, in a lazy sort of way.). So I figured, hiking will be perfect, because it's exercise, and though I'm not particularly fond of nature, at least hiking will have the bonus of a sense of accomplishment.

Boy was I wrong. Hiking is sort of completely pointless. You get to the top, and you're sweaty and dusty, and you're like, wow, that was great. I made it. Okay...so time to go home, I guess? What good has ever come out of a hike? Besides an Indiana Jones-style hike that ends in some sort of archaeological discovery, I can't think of when hiking hasn't ever resulted in something notable besides death. And speaking of death, I pretty much almost die every time I go hiking. I blame it on my short legs, which require double the steps as all of my normal-sized hiking mates. But really it's because I'm horribly out of shape. On one of my recent hikes, I hid under a tree for about ten minutes in heat-induced exhaustion while everyone else had a little pow-wow discussing what to do about me. I imagine it went something like this: "Hey. So she's totally gonna die up here, I think." "I know, man. What's the thing to do in that sort of situation? Carry her lifeless body down, or what?" "I dunno. I still want to finish the hike and all..." Finally I regained my strength and continued, but it was pretty hairy there for a minute. And, because I wasn't left for dead, I have to say that my hiking group is pretty awesome, and dare I say I really do like hiking now. Even though it goes totally against my nature in that the entire time I keep thinking about how sweet it would be to play Nintendo...or buy Wii Fit and do virtual yoga.

Anyway, I think hikes would be pretty awesome if they were all downhill. I'm excellent at going downhill. I'd be fine if we could drive to, say, the top of a mountain, and just hike down. Someone recently pointed out that then you have to hike back UP to your car, but I think in that situation I'd say screw it and hitch hike home. Hitchhiking being just the type of hiking I can handle, minus whatever sort of creepiness you have to endure by the driver of your hitchhiking car.

Recently, though, I discovered the best thing about hiking. It's called a hydration pack. Basically, it's a backpack full of water with a hose that goes up the straps and onto your shoulder. With it, you can just drink water without any of that pesky "lifting your arm up and tilting your head back" motion that we've all been familiar with since about BIRTH. You just have to turn your head like, an inch to the side to drink water constantly. Basically, this is like walking around with a hamster water bottle floating next to your face at all times. You won't be surprised to learn that I find this awesome. Mostly because it looks way fancy and outdoorsy, when really it is the most brilliant technical invention of laziness I've ever seen. Maybe it's helpful for bike riders who can't really tilt their heads while biking but other than that, I can't believe someone got away with inventing this hydration pack and using it. Side note, it would have been helpful during my one and only foray into biking as an adult. I tried going up a hill on a narrow street, and boy was that fucking ROUGH. A car was stuck behind me, and he couldn't go around me, so he had to just wait until I made it up the hill. I was just hoofing it, breathing like an asthma patient, while this car full of people craaaaawled behind me and laughed their asses off. I kept turning around with a pathetic apology face, also while trying to seem like I do this sort of thing all the time, and maybe I was on a gear that makes it harder to bike, because I'm just that hardcore, but I'm not sure it worked.

Anyway, of course, I needed to get a hydration pack immediately, which I did. I feel way outdoorsy using it. My new plan is to just wear it at all times--my desk at work, restaurants, shopping. It's the height of modern convenience. The waiter will be like, "Can I start you out with some drinks?" and I'll be like, "No, I'm good." and I'll indicate my tube of water, and suck on it shrewdly, and the waiter will give me a knowing, impressed nod, and go off to bring some water to the common fools I'm eating with. Yup, that's the dream, and one that I plan on living really soon.