The Reality TV Dictionary

I watch a lot of TV. I'm almost embarrassingly undiscriminating about what I watch, though I will say I don't watch daytime soaps or dating shows (though, I may or may not have watched A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila once. I seriously need eye bleach after that. And ear bleach. And bleach for my soul.). Anyway, I do watch a lot of reality TV, and I'm starting to notice that no matter what show I watch, I hear the same phrases over and over and over.

My favorites:

Step up: (verb) to raise one's game to a higher level; to give more effort in a competition than previously given; to start taking a competition more seriously than before; to be a better competitor than before.

This is a good one. I've noticed it more and more since I started watching Step It Up and Dance. I think the judges and contestants get like, $5 under their pillows if they say "step up" during an episode. I love how they're like, "man, we're down to seven people. Now I really have to STEP IT UP!" I mean, I assume you were working your hardest before? And last week you said you were going to step it up, too, so am I to believe you only took a half-step upward? I also like people who have some sort of strategy, like, I'll cruise by for a while, and then when it gets down to the wire, I'm really going to STEP IT UP and blow everyone out of the water. But guys, in case you have never watched TV before, it NEVER WORKS. First of all, you'll get kicked off right away. Secondly, if you do manage to stick around, everyone will hate you for sucking all the time? Especially in group challenges. Which brings me to...

threw me under the bus: (verb) to sabotage someone in competition; to back-stab; to call someone out unfairly in order to save oneself; to literally see a large vehicle approaching and to toss them in harms way so they are run over by said vehicle.

Pay attention to that definition, because I'm not sure people fully grasp what it means. Here's a good example. Let's say we're on a reality show and the competition is to say, write a children's book (that was really a challenge on the short-lived but much loved Martha Stewart's The Apprentice. Seriously. You haven't lived until you watched a group of adults WRITE A BOOK QUIETLY IN THEIR ROOM. Riveting.) Anyway, Fred is on my team, and I'm like, "hey, Fred. I am an awesome colorer. You go take a break while I color all the caterpillars in this children's book." He's like, "hey, are you sure?" And I'm like, "Yeah. Besides, you picked the storyline, which is awesome and all about caterpillars." So he goes off to mack on some girl, probably, because Fred is totally like that. So then we're in the bottom of all the book groups, and the judges are like, "hey, this coloring sucks." And so I say, "well, Fred made me do it. He refused to color. He was too busy with some girl. Besides, he made the whole storyline up, which was stupid and we didn't even have the right colors for a caterpillar, which he knew, so it's really his fault." THAT IS THROWING SOMEONE UNDER THE BUS. Was it necessary? No. Did they ask about Fred? No. Did he have anything to do with my coloring? No. (Allegedly. Fred is kind of a douche). What is NOT throwing someone under the bus is when you just like, try to win a competition. I so often hear someone say, "well, I think I'm the best dancer here. I have the experience." And someone else is like, "I cannot BELIEVE he threw me under the bus like that!" Because, yeah, saying you're more talented than someone else is the same thing as being murdered by someone with a Greyhound. Jerks.